Clem Snide - "Find Love (live)". One evening I was sitting at home late with the lamp on, listening to starlight through the window. At a diner the night before, L asked me to rate my happiness. "Between one and ten," L said, and I said, after a while, "Seven." It's not that I was sad - I think I just wasn't happy. This story happens later, when I was sitting and listening to starlight. In the city it's too bright to see the stars but you can hear them, if you're lucky. Usually I'm not lucky. It was twelve fifty one. The apartment buzzer buzzed and I shuffled through the kitchen and pushed the button to let whoever-it-was inside. I waited by the door and heard Iris's footsteps before I saw her. She was carrying her shoes in her hand. I remember once sitting on the roof of Iris's parents' boathouse; under a pink sky I looked at her hand and thought about how good a ring would look on her slim finger.

Now Iris was drunk and coming into my apartment and waving aside offers of a glass of water, of a piece of bread, of cookies or mint tea or sweets that my roommate M had brought back from Iran. She led me into my own living-room. She turned on the overhead light and turned off my lamp. She drew the blinds. She sat smack down on a chair and put her shoes in her lap. "Sit," she said to me. She smelled like peach schnappes, which is a nice smell, a strong smell.

"In the old days," I asked her, "do you think that the sailors who carried peach schnappes, who spent ten months in a schnappes-filled schooner, smelled like peaches for the rest of their days?"

"Sean?" she said. "Listen up. Shut up and listen up. I'm here to explain some stuff to you. We can have conversations another time. I was at Ravi's and I was thinking about stuff and I need to explain something to you so you don't ruin your life."

"Ruin my life?"

"I think you could totally ruin your life. You could, Sean. You could just keep dicking around for the rest of your days. Wandering and blabbing and saying too much to the wrong people."

"What?"

"Find love, Sean."

There was an awkward silence and I said "Okay..."

"No - shut up. I said shut up. No talking. Listen." Her shoes had fallen off her lap and onto the floor. "Don't be scared to connect the dots," she said. "Dig for gold in the parking lot. Find love. And then give it all away."

"Is that a song lyric?"

"God you're an asshole. Shut up. Seriously. Sean? I'm trying to tell you something important. I'm a dear friend who finally has the nerve to tell you something important. That you need to find love."

"With you?"

"Fuck you. No. Not with me. Jesus. No. But for real. Stop fucking around. FIND IT. Sean. Find it. Don't let hurricanes keep you back. Raging rivers, or shark attacks - or anything. Don't doubt. Don't hide. Don't run. Go, find it. Find it and give it everything. That's what matters. Wrestle bears, you know? You know this I think but sort of you don't know it too. I can tell. You sit in here just moping or whatever and then when there's a chance right there you're too busy measuring and evaluating and, like, it's not about finding sex or finding company, or finding friends - I'm not saying you should be finding friends. I'm saying find love. And then give it all away. Give all your love to her. Don't save it for your friends. We'll understand. Wrestle bears. Bring them to their knees."

"I do," I said. "I will."

"No you fucking don't," said Iris. "We think we do, but we don't. We should be finding love but instead we do all this other shit. We get dressed up and put on red nail polish and go out dancing or whatever but then nothing. Then another night, and another night. Listening to the sky for it to whisper something."

"I'll stop listening," I said.

She rolled her eyes at me. "You will not. But you should. You should tend to better things, Sean." Her face had taken on a greenish tinge. "I'm just saying."

I sat and let her look at me, shaking her head.

"Just go and find love," said Iris. "Give it all away."

It was quiet for a long time. She was watching me with a tenderness that I found intimidating.

"Okay see you tomorrow," she said, getting wobblily to her feet. She moved so fast.

"Okay," I said.

I walked her to the door and out. I went back to the living-room and stayed for a long while near where she had sat on the couch. You could see the indentation where she had laid her hand. I got up onto the cushion and stood there. I felt like the hour hand of a clock.

--

Happy birthday to a guy I like a lot but have never met, called Eric Harvey.