Edmund has written three suicide notes in his life. No one has seen them but him, and he never got so close that he even attempted any of their promise, but still he wrote them, actually on paper. And he thinks about them sometimes.

Carolyn,

I'm sorry for all the trouble. I don't like putting up with me either. Hopefully Evelyn only has my eyes.

- Edmund

He thought of leaving it under the windshield wiper and remembered wondering if she would throw out his CDs or not.

Ali, this should do the trick. -E

Written on the back of a bank statement, indicating a zero balance, because he had transferred all his money into her account. He ate a burger while he looked at it and thought about how people of other generations than his spent their lives fighting wars.

"There was obviously something else going on. It's not your fault." "No, I didn't, and yes, it was."

He remembered feeling their weight in his hand. It was like building a weapon. It could take any shape, it could be any strength. The only dissatisfying thing was having to shoot the weapon into the air without getting to see if it hit the target. There was a hand on top of his.

"Ed?" It was May. "Hm?" "What are you thinking about?" He smiled. "You. Always you."

Digital Leather - "Sweet Cheeks"

[Buy Too Beautiful to Work]
[Buy Modern Problems]

Actual Water - "La Violence sur les Champs-Élysées". At first it seemed like a regular charge, an army with pikes and muskets marching down the boulevard. But as they passed through the tulip gardens, the soldiers began to change. Musketmen blurred into pikemen. Generals became their uniforms. Greens, blacks and pinks seemed to smear together. There was still violence in the crowd, still gunsmoke and pride. But this wasn't a gang of gathered patriots. This was a hideous, splendid, multi-limbed thing, galloping through broken petals.

[Actual Water are from Toronto. They make lo-fi paisley pop, like a beautiful broken 45. Their new LP is out today / bandcamp / video / album release party at Toronto's Sneaky Dees, tonight!]

Augustine Enebeli Olisa & The Black Arrows - "Isiche". In a week of many beauties, this is the most beautiful thing I have heard. Shadows, starlings, looks in lamplight. The tenderness of the horns, the kindness of the guitars, the sureness of Olisa's voice. Fumbling and happy, I resort to old metaphors. ...the rosegardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down Jo me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes. [out of print]

---

Unlikely solicitation: Do you live in Russia? I am hoping to make the journey this summer, to research my book. I'd love to connect with readers - please get in touch! The only for-sures on the itinerary are St Petersburg and Magadan, Siberia, which brings me to my second question. Magadan. That is a very faraway place - for me, at the edge of the known world. And so I'm working very hard to try to find contacts there - would-be friends, friends-of-friends, friends-of-friends-of-friends. Do you live near Magadan? Do you know someone near Magadan? Do you know someone who might know someone near Magadan? Family, friends, former research assistants? If so, I would be very grateful if you'd email me.

(image source)

Zafari - "King Masaru"

At the Science Museum with Frank. He likes the buttons. He and Edmund walk the halls of snow-tracked carpet, and it feels like there's an unsettling kind of presence in the air of things, a sort of spirit in the stuff. It's early on a Sunday, in the hours before Frank has to go back to his mom, and the museum is not well-attended. The dinosaurs with their heads up in the darkness and the ducts, seem to bob and weave like boxers, the palm leaves seem to sway in time. The old trains seem to heat up, and shadow passengers seem to stare and hum and smoke. In the military section, a giant tank suddenly has a taxi sign and a driver in a cloth hat, arm slung out the window. The ring game and the motorbike circle and the gravity machine all seem perilous this Sunday morning, like crooked carnival games where you lose way more than two bucks a try. Miss the balloon, you'll be going home in a sling. Look sideways at an ex-president or the tallest man in history and you'll be wishing you were back in your mommy's arms. Edmund kept his coat on the whole time, and he wondered if Frank cared that they barely spoke.

[Buy]

(image by superhoop)

Lower Dens - "Brains". Like a skeleton opening the door and welcoming you inside, and he shows you a good time, with interesting guests & tasty snacks & the fancy kind of gin, sitting right out on the counter, and you forget he is a skeleton until it is time to leave, and he reaches for an embrace, and your arms are around his ribcage, and you smell that smell like chalk, fresh snow, old earth, and you realize that he is not your friend.

[website / Nootropics is due May 1 on Ribbon Music]

Reversing Falls - "Curse This Place" (Song removed at band request - for now!) You do not undo a thing by saying, F*ck this thing! You do not destroy a land by damning it. Reversing Falls grit their teeth, charge their guitars, but they know they cannot unmake the place they are cursing. It is bigger than they are, crueller, fiercer and louder and more motherfucking killer. That is what makes it worthy of cursing. As a band cowers in a basement rehearsal space, chugging, singing, spending one guitar-pick after another, the city stands permanent and beautiful around them. Its skyline is ambivalent, and its snowplows, and its nighttime spotlights, skimming the clouds. Curse the shine on this diamond, curse the love in these clutching hands.

[website for this riffwave stuff / bandcamp / Reversing Falls are from Montreal / Southern Souls video for "Curse This Place"]

(image source)

Tomboyfriend - "Lovesickness"

Alison is currently smoking. And was smoking. And is also waiting to smoke. Her 9-year-old, Frank, is with Edmund, his father, for the weekend, and when he does that, Alison turns into a chimney. But tonight is particularly bad. Something about Frank leaving, it always feels like a tape is put on pause in her brain, like a Frank-sized hole opens up in the front hall, and it stands there. She kind of can't move, because any movement will be wrong. She opens her mouth like she's popping her ears, moves her jaw around, takes a drag. Tonight she went out to get something to eat, and she couldn't walk into a place. She physically couldn't walk into one of the ten places on her block. Sushi, too sit-down, I'll feel crazy. Pad Thai? Too heavy. Subway, fuck no. Vegan, too healthy, too sad. So she just walked around, in the freezing cold, sometimes she'd just turn on her heel on the sidewalk, go back the other way, see if passing a second time would change something. She was hyperventilating. Softly hyperventilating, trying not to heave, not to show it. Then, it's back to the house, back to the dining room table, the brown china cabinet, the computer and the cigarettes. It's as if her brain just stammers, like "I--I---uh---I--" from Friday at 6 until Sunday at 9, once a month.

[Buy]

Also, Tomboyfriend is playing tonight at the El Mocambo, releasing their new EP King of the Animals. 5$

Schoolboy Q - "There He Go". Now this is how you swagger. This is how you do braggadocio in 2012. Striding, driving, charging right up to the thing that you want; and taking it. Q is high and elite, hot and packing heat. He's a fucking asshole, stealing girls, slinging metaphor. Pistols, pistachio, "whatever occur". He's not wrong when he raps: "Magnificent / They be like, 'There he go!'".

[buy Schoolboy Q's outstanding LP, Habits & Contradictions, at iTunes]

Bernice - "Rêve Général". She found him in spite of it all. Parc Avenue was a warzone: battered shopfronts, cleaved sidewalks, broken glass. Pianos were still falling from the sky. Each one began as a distant black dot, almost imperceptible in the cloudcover. Then slowly it would get larger, and larger, all telltale shape. And the birds would get out of its way. And then suddenly the piano would be so close as to be unavoidable, hurtling, fated. Each one hit the street with a sound like the end of the world. One unthinkable chord, jarring the air. Everything splintering: wood, wire, ebony, ivory. This was happening all around her. It had been happening for days. The pianos began to fall and now they kept falling - a whimsical devastation but still utterly murderous, unkind, final. She walked along Parc Avenue, dodging each growing silhouette, watching cats lap at black lacquer, toward him; and she found him, in spite of it all, because of the seriousness in her eyes.

[Toronto's Bernice have made a marvellous thing, with THOMAS's Thom Gill, Daniel Fortin, Sister Suvi's Nico Dann, and the singer Robin Dann / buy]

Nap Eyes - "Every Game Is A Game Of Stalemate"

Edmund wore 41 like a bicycle helmet on grey hair, like a backpack on a suit jacket, he wore it like sneakers at the bank. He had thick brown hair, in a coif atop his head, he wore the cheap version of men's magazine clothing. He looked like Bobby Fischer, but less haunted. More daunted, unwanted. He let himself in through the back door of his ex-father-in-law's house. From his first marriage; Carolyn, mother of Evelyn. No one is home, he's dropping off a birthday gift in the kitchen. Kevin's kitchen, where so much greatness had been stirred, heated and watched. Kevin and Edmund had remained close after the split and all these years. Kevin was a poet, and the kitchen was proof of that. It was cluttered with warmth, the shelves all stacked to the ceiling, the many shades of wood interlocking with other wood. On the cutting board was a note he'd left for Edmund, a typically risky move from Kevin, anyone could have seen it:

"It seems my daughter's found herself in another mess. A customs officer named Garry with whitened teeth and a scary-looking dog. In love, it seems she's far more interested in the falling than in the getting up."

[PWYC]

Woodpigeon - "Are You There, God? It's Me, Mark". A song of seeking love, like so many others. But Mark Hamilton beseeches the universe in a tone that is unexpected, rough. "Are You There, God?" is gorgeous and furious. It's unsettled. These are the browns and navy blues of a painted shipwreck, a frozen shipwreck, a shipwreck at that moment where it is not yet wrecked; and the sun may rise, and the waves may settle, and the world may be kind, not cruel. Even the coda's sweetness is laced with something bitter; perhaps it is poison, perhaps it is nothing at all. Perhaps everything can work out OK.

[from Woodpigeon's beautiful & serious For Paolo EP / listen now / out Jan 23]

Water Liars/Phantom Limb - "Whoa Back" (Song removed at label request.) "Hi Julie. You need to update your message! Anyway, how are you? I never got to finish the story I was telling you this morning. I told you how Susan got a boat and then we found this nice little cottage timeshare on Craigslist. But what I didn't get to say is how we went down there in September, towing the boat. Two beautiful days in the countryside - rustling aspens, shouting bluejays, the whole caboodle. Very much in love. And then one afternoon we went out in the boat to the middle of the lake, and hoisted our fishing lines and Susan caught the end of a piece of rope. It wasn't a gross seaweedy rope - just a regular wet rope. When she tugged it, she could feel something on the end, down below. So we dragged it up into the boat. It was a giant ruby. I mean - we didn't know it was a ruby, it just looked like a beautiful shiny something, the size of a navel orange. The rope was tied to the ruby and then the ruby was tied to something else: the rope continued into the lake. So we pulled it out some more, and this time got a golden boot. A knee-high boot, made of gold. Like a sculpture. And more rope. So we pulled and pulled and kept getting these incredible treasures. A silver tiara, a diamond sceptre, a huge emerald and another giant ruby. Also some weirder things - a marble bust, a binder full of baseball cards, a locked jewellery-box that we still haven't opened. Soon the boat was way overburdened. Like, we were going to sink! We had enough treasure, anyway. So Susan snipped the rope and we rowed right back to shore. We waited a day or two. Then we drove everything into town. We're millionaires now and it's just the begin--" [message abruptly cuts off]

[Water Liars' excellent Phantom Limb LP recalls Phosphorescent, Songs:Ohia, Bedhead and the peppery smoke of heartbreak. Also, it is a collectors item. Formerly known as Phantom Limb, the band changed their name in December, after the CDs/LPs were printed. // Buy -- highly recommended.]

(photograph is Le Trombe del giudizio, by Michelangelo Pistoletto, 1968.)

The Doozies - "Independence Day"

"Edmund, you're a witch." Tate was a bright 3, his child from Jen, by whom he was divorced the previous year. "A witch?! But witches are women!" He sat on the arm of the armchair, his long belted coat draped like a flag over his shoulders; he couldn't stay long. "I don't care," said Tate, he had a way of not looking at you when he talked to you, which implied an intelligence, a rudeness, and also nothing at at all. "What makes you think I'm a witch?" said Edmund. "You move around really fast." There was only so much reasoning to expect from a 3-year-old, and one did a lot filling in the blanks, often too much. Edmund thought of how he might call and say he's somewhere and then quickly arrive. He thought of himself moving quickly around the house, picking Tate up and spinning him in the air. He thought about the last time he was on a plane, and how he had to piss worse than any other time in his life. He thought about the way traveling shakes the juices out of you. All the chemicals get shaken loose, and you could cry or shove somebody or just look at nothing and feel nothing. He looked at Tate, standing by an empty box, humming. "Hey, Tate?" Tate didn't look over, but Edmund could tell he was listening, as could he tell was Jen, moving silently in the kitchen round the corner, "Call me Dad."

[5$]

Hospitality - "Eighth Avenue". A jumbling season, winter gone summered. Tyrone is standing at the top of a skyscraper and he can't remember if it's November or July, if the city is glinting with sunlight or with ice. He has also forgotten the condition of his heart. Standing on the escalator, descending from the viewpoint, he passes an acquaintance, his former florist. "Hey how are you," says the florist, who is ascending. Tyrone nods a greeting. But he asks himself: How am I? It shouldn't be so hard to work out. Is he brokenhearted or in love? Is he sad or happy? When did he last visit the florist, and to what end? This damn city is confusing him; it's so beautiful, jumbled beautiful, with the skidding buses and crowing horns, the dusty smells, that he can't catch the gist of his own silhouette.

[Love this song's blur of Belle & Sebastian and all sorts of other things, from Big Star to Beulah, dappled crashing / Buy]

Steve Gates - "You Were Always On My Mind (ft Catherine MacLellan)". Sometimes the things you've said before bear repeating. They are like flags, hoisted. There is no need to stand or salute; it is enough to know the pennant is there, spangled, rippling, matching the colour in your face.

[buy]