No One Ever Stops Being a Prick
by Dan
Please note: MP3s are only kept online for a short time, and if this entry is from more than a couple of weeks ago, the music probably won't be available to download any more.


Simply Saucer - "Bullet Proof Nothing"

If I knew anything of context, if I even read the papers, I'd tell you about it. But I'm just standing at the bottom of an empty bowl of cereal, tossin' up the hits. Catch this one with your bare hands, it's soft like melty ice cream. And throw your lower jaw forward when you sing along.



You might remember that I asked people to send me a song if they wanted me to name their band. It was a casual remark, I didn't even think I'd get one submission. But within a day I had got five requests for names, so I decided to make a thing of it. Not only is it very fun to think up names for stuff (I will call that "benomenclating"), it became an interesting sample of the kinds of readers that StG gets. First of all, everyone reading right now writes, plays, and records music (send me your song). Second, some of you aren't bad (note: I am terrible at writing music). So here are the five bands I named:

Turquoise - "Adrienne" My favourite of the submissions, albeit a little lengthy. Other possible names included Two-Day Weekend and Tin. I also named their album: so this is now a song from The Gore of the Summer.

Numbers Add Up - "They Searched My Car" I titled the song as well (the original was called "Jackoff Geod 03". so, I changed).

Nödé - "All I Do" Totally needed a one-word, heavily accented name.

French Request - "7.28" Their title, which I like. It starts out great, but the dreamy bridge comes too soon, too often. Also, your sell-tickets-with-the-name-alone name would be Adulterer-Guardians.

Break Lamps - "Garbage Day" I can barely hear what's going on here, but I think these are the proper names for what I do hear. Alternate, more jokey, names include The Butt Mission or Butt Mansion.

So there it is, thank you all for submitting, and I hope you like the names I picked for you. Here's to everyone having a mind, here's to doing something instead of nothing.


Elsewhere: You almost definitely have by now, but if you haven't, go right now to read Matthew P.'s review and listen to the song from the new Fiery Furnaces thing. I hope one day I get it together enough to write an entire post in crazy FF-style alliterative, hyper-rhyming, stream-of-thought super-story.

Posted by Dan at August 23, 2005 2:24 AM

That Simply Saucer track was recorded in 1974. Sounds pretty good for being 31 years old. Sonic Unyon made a video for it with super 8 footage of the band from 1975, I saw it on the Wedge once,

Posted by raven at August 23, 2005 9:50 AM

I like the Node track.

Posted by Anonymous at August 23, 2005 11:59 AM

guess which one of these bands REALLY likes john darnielle

or atleast that is what it sounds like to me! haha

Posted by gina at August 23, 2005 12:13 PM

Dan, your names are hilarious. Even if theu're good and serious, as I take them, they're hilarious. And that you named them is hilarious. And that you named naming things is hilarious. And that you named naming things 'benomenclating' is hilarious. Or, at least, that's what I call it. Hilarious. You're it. Come back to M.!

Posted by Joel Taylor at August 23, 2005 3:17 PM

yes, yes, come back.

Posted by k. at August 23, 2005 3:42 PM

I don't know enough not to equate that Numbers Add Up Songs with Tarkio, Colin Meloy's old band. So equate it I do.

Posted by Mike at August 23, 2005 4:53 PM

I mean just the one Numbers Add Up song, not Songs.

Posted by Mike at August 23, 2005 4:53 PM

"guess which one of these bands REALLY likes john darnielle

or atleast that is what it sounds like to me! haha"
That's exactly what I was thinking.

Posted by Akio at August 25, 2005 2:48 AM

"guess which one of these bands REALLY likes john darnielle"

And good for them, I say. It's a decent song.

Posted by Grace at August 25, 2005 8:41 PM

That Numbers Add Up thing reminded me uncannily (well, the voice) of the Weakerthans.

Posted by Galen at September 1, 2005 12:13 AM

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about the authors
Sean Michaels is the founder of Said the Gramophone. He is a writer, critic and author of the theremin novel Us Conductors. Follow him on Twitter or reach him by email here. Click here to browse his posts.

Emma Healey writes poems and essays in Toronto. She joined Said the Gramophone in 2015. This is her website and email her here.

Jeff Miller is a Montreal-based writer and zinemaker. He is the author of Ghost Pine: All Stories True and a bunch of other stories. He joined Said the Gramophone in 2015. Say hello on Twitter or email.

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Dan Beirne wrote regularly for Said the Gramophone from August 2004 to December 2014. He is an actor and writer living in Toronto. Any claim he makes about his life on here is probably untrue. Click here to browse his posts. Email him here.

Jordan Himelfarb wrote for Said the Gramophone from November 2004 to March 2012. He lives in Toronto. He is an opinion editor at the Toronto Star. Click here to browse his posts. Email him here.
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